(Note: J just got back from his vacation, and between jet lag, running errands and getting the apartment back into shape he hasn't had much time to contribute anything.

(So, once more, J has graciously given this week's column to his colleague Dr. G. Gordon Luddite: President and Founder of the Other, Much Better, Conservation Society, and author of "Why I'm Still Right, and Your Still A Idiot" (sic). He hosts a call-in radio show on WACK in Tupelo, and his nationally syndicated column, "Why Your A Idiot, and I'm Right" (sic) appears in four newspapers.)

As that overblown, near-worthless (and most likely homosexual) sorry excuse of a playwright William Shakespeare might have put it: To bomb, or not to bomb? That is the question!

Although their ranks are strewn with fools, media whores, drug pushers, internationalists, Israeli agent provacateurs and other assorted scum, I agree with those who say that our nation must declare war against Iraq. We should engage Saddam's forces with the stated goal of removing the belligerent bully of Baghdad from power and placing someone much friendlier to the West in charge.

And we should do it today, for the following reasons:

* First, it's high time that we engaged in a full scale weapons test. It's been ten years too long since we had a real war to conduct such tests in. We can pound the rocks in Puerto Rico to rubble, and toss cruise missiles about as though they were invites to stay in the Lincoln Bedroom, but there's nothing like the satisfaction of knowing that our new "tank-killer" missile will actually destroy a manned, fully-operational enemy tank.

* Secondly, we should consider the advantage that having immediate access to Iraq's oil fields will give us. We should make a continuous supply of cheap oil part of the new ruler's mandate. Oil is the only thing that Iraq has going for it, and it's high time we made it work for us, rather than against us.

* Thirdly, we have to consider that it's too late to do anything but attack. Thanks to our sniveling, socialist, RINO president and his cheering squad in the pro-Israeli camp, Saddam knows that we are coming after him. And if we take too long to attack him he may find a way to sneak dangerous "deadman switch" weapons into our country. Yes, every day we delay gives Saddam another day to try and hurt us when we hurt him. At this point, a quick, somewhat-questionable invasion is a much better alternative than another September 11th.

* And finally, let us not forget that the path to Baghdad could well be the path to our redemption as well. This could be all the excuse needed for the Muslim world to finally do the obvious thing: team up with one another and wipe out the ungodly stain that is Israel for once and for all. Should that happen, Armageddon could not be far behind, and we will all rise to meet the -lm-ghty! (Which does, of course, raise some questions as to the true nature of the nay-sayers objections...)

Of course, there is one other, more openly-stated objection that should be spoken of: the spectre of civilian casualties. No one wishes to hear of small children being torn apart by shrapnel, families vaporized by so-called smart bombs or anything of the sort. To cheer on such displays, or think nothing such consequences, is the mark of a lower sort of animal.

However, I urge us to be comforted in the knowledge that the Iraqi people, like many other peoples in that region, are not truly human beings. Non-Christians do not have souls, and upon death, they wink from existence - much like a man standing next to a daisy-cutter. It is a much kinder fate than eternal damnation, which is all that would otherwise await someone who never accepted the word of Christ. And how could a loving G-d condemn someone who never even heard of His son?

So let us not be swayed by the ostensibly well-meaning, but no doubt cowardly, weak-kneed and morally-bankrupt concerns of those who cry for the dead. I suspect they probably wouldn't even pull over to give such persons a ride to a gas station if they saw them on an American freeway, anyway, for fear of fleas and germs! And let us not be swayed by those who question our true motives in proceeding in this fashion. Let us instead be honest, as I have, and placed out our real reasons for all to see.

For oil, technological superiority, national security and a chance to meet our M-k-r - let's roll!!!

"Why do you deal with so many negatives?"

"To dissolve them."

"Will you develop that point?"

"No."

- A conversation from the Principia Discordia